Support a victim of domestic violence

Whenever people are abused, they do many things to oppose the abuse and to keep their dignity and their self-respect. This is called resistance.

The resistance might include:

• not doing what the perpetrator wants them to do; 
• standing up against the abuser;
• trying to stop or prevent violence, disrespect and oppression;
• try to end the relationship or to move out; and
• imagining a better life may also be a way that victims resist abuse.

What about perpetrators?

Perpetrators know that victims will resist, so they make plans to try to stop the resistance.  

Here are a few examples of ways that perpetrators may try to stop victims from resisting:

• make sure their partner never has spare cash;
• after using violence, the abusive partner calls the police before the victim can and twist events around and make up a story that the victim was assaulting them;
• blame the partner for making them use violence;
• present a “nicest person in town” image, believing this would make it more difficult for their partner to convince others of the abuse;
• if the victim does not know Canadian law, the abuser tells them that they would be deported if they called the police for help;
• threaten to take the children away;
• threaten to hurt or kill their pet;
• say sorry and give gifts to a victim following abuse, hoping that the victim would stop feeling angry at them ‒ sometimes it's difficult for a victim to know what the perpetrator’s kind and loving behaviour actually means.

The following are some additional ways that perpetrators show they actually do have control over their behaviour:

• the perpetrator can suddenly change their behaviour in the middle of an abusive episode ‒ they can quickly switch from being enraged to pleasant and friendly when a friend unexpectedly shows up at the door;
• the perpetrator threatens to be abusive if the victim does not do as they wish;
• by threatening to “get upset” (for example, abusive), the perpetrator shows that they can predict their abusive behaviour;
• the perpetrator  only abuses their partner and not their boss or friends; and
• the perpetrator makes decisions about the type and amount of abuse ‒even when they become abusive, perpetrators have rules about how far they will go. For instance, to never physically hit, including throwing objects towards the victim (but never actually hitting them with the objects), and being verbally abusive.

To learn more read the Options, Choices, Changes Booklet.

Abusive and violent behaviour is always done deliberately. 

Perpetrators of violence often try to avoid responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may:

• blame someone or something else;
• find excuses for their violence such as, “they were in a blind rage,” or, “they were so out of control with their anger that they did not know what they were doing”;
• blame their behaviour on:
  • their partners;
  • an abusive childhood;
  • stress;
  • alcohol problems;
  • their cultural background;
  • financial problems; or
  • their personalities (for example, an “intense” personality; a tendency to “overreact”).

Unfortunately, sometimes professionals, such as counsellors and lawyers, also hold beliefs about violent behaviour that excuse perpetrators of responsibility for their own behaviours.

There are no acceptable reasons for a partner to abuse the other partner in an intimate relationship.

To support someone who is experiencing violence, it's good to understand why it might be hard for them to leave the relationship.

Barriers to leaving

Financial

• Pre-existing debts
• Debts that will be incurred as a result of leaving
• No income, or income that is lower than partner’s
• Having to leave the family home
• Lack of job skills
• Lack of affordable/available housing
• Belief that partner will not pay maintenance or child support
• Insufficient social assistance
• Shame at using social assistance

Cultural

• Victim-blaming
• Denying, or minimizing the abuse
• Pressures on women to feel responsible for relationships
• Religious beliefs about gender roles, marriage
• Belief that a loving person can change their partner
• Belief that a person needs a partner in order to be whole;
• Social disapproval of separation and divorce
• Belief that the children need both parents together

Emotional

• Feeling of not being able to cope alone
• Fear of threats by partner
• Fear that they will get back at you or seek revenge
• Fear of going to court or calling the police
• Feeling responsible for failing and for breaking up the family
• Fear of loneliness, of being unlovable
• Loving your partner and hoping that they will change
• Fear of being deported
• Believing partner when they blame you for their abuse
• Blame or fear of rejection by family or friends
• Fear of losing partner by leaving temporarily
• Fear of threats to take the children away
• Fear of threats to commit suicide or kill the victim and the children

Social

• Lack of support or isolation from family and friends
• Inadequate support from police, legal system, etc.
• Lack of affordable child care and housing
• Lack of information about legal rights
• Isolation from community
• Threats from friends and family members

Talk about what you're going through

It takes courage to support someone, but know you're not alone.

• Contact Victim Services
• Phone a crisis line to talk with a Transition Home support worker.
• Phone VictimLink to talk to a support worker.
• If the victim or the person using violence are new to Canada:
  • phone the line for victims of abuse and forced marriage at Immigration, Refugee and Citizenship Canada (IRCC). Phone: 1-888-242-2100, choose option 6;
  • IRCC can provide information and help weigh options; and
  • you do not have to give your name when you phone.

Resources

• Get help: you're in an abusive relationship
• Get help: escape a violent situation
• Get help: you were attacked or threatened
• Option, Choices, Changes Booklet
• Find resources for victims of crime
• Get an order to keep someone away from you
• Find support for families of missing or murdered Indigenous women and girls
• Get support for child victims of crime
• Get emergency financial help for a victim of crime
• Find out about the court process
• Find out about the Domestic Violence Treatment Option (DVTO) court
•